We put Felix to sleep on Monday.
I had been hydrating and feeding him intravenously since the prior week, while we ran tests and blood tests and X-rays and finally the sonogram. He had attempted to eat when given painkillers, but he wasn't able to do more than lap at milk once or twice. On Monday, he hadn't eaten for six days, which all by itself would be a hepatic lipidosis concern, but his liver values had been out of whack since the first test.
The sonogram showed that his body was filled with growths. There was really nothing to do. He was in pain and with an inability to eat there would be no way of prolonging his life, no slow decline.
I took him home after another painkiller that morning, because I wanted to say good-bye, to hold him for a while without the cannula in his paw, to let the girls understand that he would be going, to let him sit in the sun for a little. Our regular babysitter was kind enough to come without notice (bringing her own son with her) while the German and I went to the vet with Felix.
They were very kind. They let us sit quietly, by ourselves for a while and tell them when we were ready. They were also very kind to keep Felix' body for us so that we could bring him to my in-laws house this weekend, where we were able to bury him in the garden.
I am sad that he won't be with my other boys, but I find it very comforting to be able to put him in the soil in a family place, rather than to cremate him and hold his ashes until we could bury him in the US. We laid him on a bed of pine and kissed him good-bye. (We didn't include the girls: we had for the loss of my other two, but I felt the delay in burial would be too distressing for them).
This is the first time in twenty years that I have been without my cats. My three boys. Originally, it was my two boys and myself. Then the German and then Felix joined us and it was myself and 4 boys. Now we are three girls and the German is outnumbered.
I still hear phantom meows, wake up early and think I need to feed him, look for him in his favorite spots. It was hard to not be sad in front of the girls and it's still a bit hard explaining to Thing1 that she is not able to join the boys and Felix with HaShem. Tough concepts.